life collection

What do you think of the tattoo? I love it! It's still a bit red and peeling, but I think its healing up nicely. I like how simple it is and that it's not too dark, but shaded just enough to give it some life. 

I realize now that I have a chest tattoo and it is more noticeable than the outline was, a lot of people look at me. When I forget I have it, I get a little self-conscious that people are studying my face and chest, which feels kind of awkward. Then I remember and am fine with it. Of course tattoos draw attention, it's kind of the nature of the beast.

Sometimes I think of why I get tattooed and I think it is just a way of self-expression, but more than that, for me it is a personal reminder of different things. Each tattoo I have has a meaning to me that I don't really share with many people. For me it is something deeper than just a picture (although that is fine too). I have a lot of scars internally and even externally due to my struggle with depression and so having these tattoos kind of keeps me grounded in a way. It reminds me of what is important, and who I am even when I forget. 

When I'm depressed I lose myself, my identity gets muddled up and I feel hopeless and withdrawn. I don't know if anyone can understand the extent of that feeling unless they are depressed. I wish I could put it into words but its one of those things that is beyond words or description. 

The weird thing about mental illness/depression/"it" is that there are so many levels and I feel one each day. Some days are ok, some horrible, some mild, some wonderful. But even on good days the illness isn't gone, the depression will never leave me, I just hold it at bay. Its just like someone who has any other life-long disease, the good days always have a twinkle of the disease in them. Sometimes this can make the good day that much better because I know I am fighting it and compared to the bad days it feels so extremely and terribly better. Other days its an incredible weight and pain.

Good days are a huge relief for me, but never a full relief. I can never let my guard down all the way, or be free of it. Even if I go into I guess I would say "remission" I always will have a memory of the past, and an eye open to the potential of the depression returning in some way or another. Knowing I will never be rid of it in a complete way makes me sad, but I have to accept what is. And remember it doesn't mean I can't life a full life. Thinking of my depression brings me a physical pain, it feels like a pressure in my chest, like I can't release my breath fully, I get a headache from it. 

This is all hard to explain, but it is the truth for me at least. I have to be incredibly strong to keep going, to take the pills each morning and night that I know give me side effects that I hate. I have to know my warning signs, force myself to do things I don't want to do (therapy, getting out when I feel like staying in bed, etc). I don't have energy for much else than surviving. This is disheartening sometimes, but then I remember surviving is an important thing. Everyone's life is different and each person has a different struggle, and mine is this and that is ok and I don't have to measure up to anyone else. That's what I try to remind myself.

When living is hard, and just breathing hurts its not easy to feel successful. We think that living is the easy part, staying alive is natural (of course it is), and that making the life is the important part, filling it up with meaning. But for me sometimes the important part is simply breathing. Sometimes all I can do is promise myself to keep going for this one day.

"Don't give away the end, the one thing that stays mine" -Jimmy Eat World

xx, C