Hello my dears, and an extra special howdy to all my new followers!
We are in Vegas and have had a lot of fun so far. We have gambled a pinch, spent lots of time at the poker tables, and last night we went to Fremont Street to experience old Vegas. We went to a steakhouse there that had awesome Old Fashions and had yummy steak. Today we have no plans. I think we are going to play poker for most of the day, which is just kind of our thing. Ronald is really good at poker, and I'm ok at it but not a genius. It's a lot of fun and pretty challenging to my little noggin so I like it.
The thing I always struggle with in being here is self-consciousness. I am generally self-conscious and super shy, so seeing all these scantily clad women in platform heels makes me not only feel awkward, but I also compare myself to them. As Theodore Roosevelt said "comparison is the thief of joy" and that is so unbelievably true for me. Ronald is the sweetest and I know I am fully accepted, curves and all, he loves me just the way I am and knowing that makes me feel safe and secure, but their is still that inner struggle that somehow I'm not good enough and just don't measure up. I have felt the same way at a size six as I do at a size sixteen so the issue isn't weight, it's mindset.
I fool myself into thinking that if I just lost weight I would feel better about myself, and I beat myself up continually about my size (seriously, it's a constant monologue in my head), but the truth is my insides need a sea-change, an attitude shift, a level of self-acceptance that just doesn't exist right now.
I feel bad with everything I do. Eating in public or with friends, eating on my own, grocery shopping if I buy low-fat ice cream or anything fattening, ordering a skinny frappuccino at Starbucks, eating a cupcake, baking, any kind of cooking really, clothes shopping (to the point that I hide the size mark on the hangers), walking around, being in pajamas at home, being dressed up and going out, it doesn't matter if I'm by myself or in public, the self-destructive talk just continues non-stop. This is so unhealthy and it is destroying me more and more.
I honestly am getting to a point where I have to deal with it or I am going to become a hermit, or in some ways just self-destruct. I hate confessing all this stuff, it makes me feel so stupid and once again not good enough. But I want to say it, if I say it it gets out of my head.
Do you struggle with self-consciousness or self-esteem? How do you deal with those thoughts and feelings?
Love, C
You should change your habit of talking shit to yourself. I had to do that. Fake it until you make it! One thing my friend always says is you always look back at younger pictures of yourself and think 'why did i think i was fat? or why didn't i think i was beautiful?' One thing I do is tell myself to appreciate what I am..right now. Also, if there was no societal judgement, would you think you were beautiful? I know I would. When I take other people out of it I see myself as beautiful. My squishy ass, I love it. Boobs that a skinny bitch wouldn't have.. love that too. Love handles just make more cushion for the pushin' and my man loves them so why shouldn't I? I dunno.. it took me a LONG time to get to this point but it was a habit I broke of hating my body and now I love it. Who gives a shit what other people think?! It's your vessel, your temple, your world vehicle and if you're beautiful on the inside it shows on the outside. And think about if someone did care how you look.. is that beauty? No.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Baylee. You don't really want or need to be like those other girls. I'm self conscious like that too, but I've realized that it's way more fun to be yourself than try to be like someone else.
ReplyDeleteI am headed to Vegas on Thursday, and regardless of the uber hawt clothes I bought, I am still going to feel like shit. I completely battle with self esteem issues. I don't think that it will even matter if I lose the weight. I would love to be able to say, shit yeah I am awesome, [which, I am, I fully admit it! lol] and nothing bothers me, but that just isn't the case. I think it is okay. I think some day I might accept it. But for now, it is just part of who I am.
ReplyDeleteYou enjoy yourself in Vegas!! At least have some fun, you need it!
Sometimes I also struggle with self-esteem issues, although for me the hardest part is in showing more of myself and my work. I can feel like it is not good enough. `what helps me sometimes is to try to see myself as a friend, thinking how I would react if it weren't me but someone else. Truth is I would be a whole lot nicer to myself. So my advice to you would be 'be your own best friend'. Also, it can help to write down negative thoughts and analyse them, ranking them if they are true at all and if so whether it really matters. Good luck :)
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Marielle