It's early. I have somehow become a morning person and feel sort of old and out of place because of it.
I have and haven't been thinking a lot. Life is more about doing than figuring things out. This is something new and I think good in the long run. There is only so much time I can spend in my own head before I get melancholy and desperate. I wish I liked my own company more than I actually do, I also wish I could think deeply without going into those clever well-worn veins of depressed thoughts. But for now this is how it is and it's ok.
I'm enjoying feeling more purposeful. I also am waiting to hit the wall of feeling and thinking that I cannot do what I have decided to do or what I want to do. That is usually when I give up. It is fear of failure that leads me to the wall, it is also my fear of losing my identity and personality.
I am so afraid to work. At the moment I am not getting paid and not officially employed, this is just a trial run where I am helping Ronald out. But back to the fear. I have never been able to hold down a job...I mean never. I have only been able to work a few weeks before giving up. I start to panic in the office setting, I start to lose myself in what I am doing, I over-commit really easily and then have a meltdown, I feel like I lose my sense of creativity. This is why I am happy Ronald is in charge of my work-load as he knows more about my fears and limitations than I do. The truth is my limitations are more like mental road blocks than actual limitations in capability.
But I can feel the panic at my back of how working is going to ruin me and make me inauthentic. The truth is, I can be myself and still work. I want to prove this to myself to lose this horrible fear I have of not being able to support myself financially. So here I am sticking with it.
Do you give up on things easily, or are you a fighter?
xx, C
I do the same thing at work, only I managed to do it for 6 years (with much anxiety). I was really hard on myself, so if I made a mistake I felt like the world was going to end. I've tried to let go of that feeling, but it's always in the back of my mind.
ReplyDeleteWork can make you loose all sense of yourself, but that's only if you let it. When you're at work, be there in the moment, but when you leave, try to shift your focus to the "real" you. It's hard to balance the two, but it can certainly be done. You're doing a great job so far!!!
Yeah it's strange how we can make things seem impossible, even when they are totally achievable (sometimes even easy).
DeleteI hope we both can find a good balance. ;)
You know, I thought working full-time was contributing to my loss of self, and perhaps it was - but now that I am working only part-time, I really really feel a loss of self. So maybe working full time was a good thing? I am not sure if this lost sense of self is due to my job or where I am living (away from all my family & friends) but I think that work can be a very good thing, if you enjoy it - it doesn't matter what you do or where you work. I think it's important to not just settle for anything that comes your way... to wait for that one job that will accept you for who you are. I've been employed at so many jobs that didn't accept me for who I am (tattooed, colored hair, ect.) - I am all done with that. So, it may take a while but I think you (and me) will find that diamond in the rough, the job that will bring out our creativity instead of limiting it.
ReplyDeleteXo,
♥ Em
I know what you mean about finding the right job. I have always thought of going into the creative field but I also like my creativity to be a bit secret, like my own thing, free of judgment and peering eyes. That's why starting an etsy shop selling my bird prints is a bit scary.
DeleteI hope you find something you love to do!
xx, C
Oh I'm a giver-upper. Luckily at my job I'm still able to be creative and let my mind run to other things... but in things outside of work and what not I give up really easily. I get overwhelmed and anxious easy and I just figure it's better for me to let things go.. but I really wish I wasn't that way.
ReplyDelete