life collection

Last night I had a dream I was alone. Ronald didn't exist and I was back in my childhood land of abandonment. I kept asking the few detached souls around me where Ronald was, but they had no answer. It was a real triggered nightmare.

I am so afraid of being abandoned. It's one of those strong guttural emotions that settles in the lowest parts of my stomach and makes me sick, like charcoal. Things didn't pan out for me as a child, things weren't safe. So I carry this same 2, 3, 4 year old panic that things won't work out or will fall apart even now.

This all makes me sad. It's so hard to grow up and get rid of these old tattered patterns. The thing is I'm sad. I'm empty. Nothing fills for long. There are moments of feeling like it will be ok, but those rush away from me scared. I don't know why. I know that is a trademark of depression. I know this has plagued me my entire life. But that doesn't make it feel better, instead it makes it feel more real and legitimate.

See, I start to believe there is no hope for me. Really, I've believed that for a long time. But I hold onto things (like a knotted down balloon string) and Ronald is one of those things. He is actually usually the only thing. He needs me so I stay. But he is not permanent. He can't be with me forever. He is a human and he will die. So I am rotted and rocked with the fear that he will go away and with him my reason, my grip to this world. It's scary.

I don't want to die but so much of me wants to not exist. I don't know how those two emotions can co-exist but surprisingly they do. So life goes on like an old wind-up toy, and I wait and keep.

C