life collection

I'm still here. Things are still not getting better. This is horribly discouraging.

I got a CPAP machine for my sleep apnea. I hate it but it does put me in a deeper sleep. The only thing is it is making me ten times more tired rather than helping me feel rested. So I have slept most of the days away since I got it because I am so exhausted. I didn't think it was possible for my exhaustion to get worse, but it has.

Also the suicidal thoughts are still here if not getting worse. It's really scary as I have had to choose several times between calling Ronald for help or acting out on the impulse. So far I have chosen help, but it is a really frightening position to be in.

The next thing we have to decide is if I should receive ECT treatments (electroconvulsive therapy) for my depression. If I go forward with it I will have to be seen by several psychiatrists to decide if I am a good candidate, and spend time in the hospital (up to a few weeks), plus the treatment itself is scary and I would have to go through up to a dozen or more individual treatments. I'm so scared of this but I guess it is better than not getting well.

This is honestly the worst time I have had since childhood. It's really, really scary. I truly don't know if I will come out from this.

Thank you all for sticking around in my absence and for you encouraging thoughts and comments.

xx, C