It's been an up and down day. I feel unwanted, ugly, stomach sick from anxiety. My back is still hurting and I'm so tired I have yet to bathe.
I blame myself for everything that doesn't go right in my life. I take it all personally. I blame myself for my depression, for our inability to have a baby, for all the nonsense my illness puts R through.
I'm really frustrated and mad that my life has turned out this way. That I am twenty-eight and have nothing to show for my life other than that I am still living. It's devastating to fight with all I have just to stay here. I thought things would be different. I thought once I grew up my bleak childhood trauma would just melt away, but that isn't how it works. My past was really screwed up, so I have to restructure everything, including the way I think.
It's difficult not to feel like a burden through all this. I have to get help from people. I don't think people understand how hard it is for me to ask for help. That I have to be at rock-bottom to ask for anything from someone. I ask for a lot, because I have been at rock bottom for years.
So I hold on. And I have orange daisies and pumpkins, this doesn't make anything feel better but I can pretend. I pretend a lot. I tell people it will be okay when I really don't think it will. But I don't want to freak people out, I don't want to show them how desperate I am.
I am more honest on my blog than I am in person with anyone other than my therapist. Most people I know personally read my blog so they read how I am doing, but I rarely speak to them about it face to face. It's too hard to say aloud how bad things are. It's easier to just type and keep it at arms length.
And then I just keep going. I take my pills, paste on a smile, and force myself to move like a marionette.
C
Have you thought about going into hospital for a bit Catherine? It really sounds like you are at length's end, you shouldn't have to fight like this day to day. Another thing I thought about was those Mental Health Retreat's you can book, and spend some time away doing relaxation, eating well, getting pampered etc in a beautiful location. Hope you get the help and the rest you need, thinking of you xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteHey, what's this "nothing to show for it" business? At very least (and cos I know you only through your blog) you are the author of a most beautiful creative blog! And then, you are also part of creating and maintaining something that many people are incapable of doing... a relationship... and by the sounds of it, a pretty special one. I think you are cool. grace
ReplyDeleteThank you both for your thoughts and concerns and encouragement! :)
ReplyDeletexx, C
Do you ever show your therapist your blog? Or print it for them to read?
ReplyDeleteSending you love and hugs C