life collection

I thought it was time for a little update on what is happening with me. 

First of all, I wasn't able to make my doctors appointment last Thursday for my pain issues as I had a panic attack while driving home from therapy just a few hours before my appointment. Ronald had to come pick me up because I didn't feel safe driving home. Panic attacks are mean bugs, and even though I've had many throughout my life, they still throw me for a loop and are terrifying. 

I am really struggling with my depression right now. It's awful, and scary, and emotionally ravaging. I honestly feel at the end of my rope. I am running out of energy to fight and am so nervous that I am going to just give up and end up killing myself. I'm struggling with suicidal thoughts on an almost constant basis. They are really wearing me down. I am being well looked after by my psychiatrist/therapist, Ronald, and my in-laws so I am safe at the moment. The hard thing is I don't know how long that safety will last.

In therapy today we talked about how devastated Ronald and our pups would be if I did kill myself. That is why I can't do it, they would not be able to move on. It's like I would end Ronald's life as well as my own, and I can't do that. No matter how much it hurts (and it is hurting immensely), I have to stay here for him.

The thing is to keep myself aware of that. I have momentary slips where I forget those things, and that's where it gets muddy and worrisome as to what I will do.

It's so hard to describe emotional pain. When you're in it, it's hell. It's lonely, suffocating, horror-provoking. I don't know how else to say it other than it is the worst thing I have ever felt. Worse than migraines, breaking my arm, or any physical injury I have experienced. 

My world has been rocked this year. It really has been a struggle for survival my whole life (and I don't say that lightly), but this year more than ever before. It's immense. It's devastating. I feel shattered. 

I am looking into ECT treatments with my doctor. They may or may not work, have risks, and may include long hospital stays. But if it works the results are immediate, and I would choose trying that over giving up. It seems to be my next step in treatment.

I am so thankful for Ronald. He holds me, comforts me, checks in, will drop everything when I need him. He reminds me of who I am and who I want to be. At night he tells me the things we will do the next day, next week, next year, then he says a prayer for us, and kisses me goodnight. I don't know if he knows how much he carries me through all this.

xx, C