It's amazing how much life can change in a such a short time. This is me in the end of 2011. In a little over a years time, my life has been turned upside down.
I started feeling like something was physically wrong with me in early 2012. I went to doctors, explained my symptoms, had blood work done and no one could figure it out. By Summer, I was a mess and unable to do my normal routine. I knew something was wrong so continued seeing doctors. They suggested a sleep study in September and I found out I have sleep apnea. After two months of using the CPAP machine every night I was still exhausted and now noticed that I was in intense pain most of the day. I went to a different doctor right before Christmas and was finally diagnosed with fibromyalgia.
Things continue to spin down. Just because I have a diagnoses, doesn't mean things are getting better. Fibromyalgia is a chronic illness that is going to be with me forever. There isn't a cure or easy fix, it just has to be managed. Pain meds help, anti-depressants help, eating right helps, etc. But I am still so tired beyond words. I can't do even close to what I was able to do a year or so ago.
I can't keep my house clean, I can't fold laundry because it hurts my arms, I can't run multiple errands or lift things, I can't bend down to grab things on the floor, I can't walk fast even when I try (I walk so slow like an old woman). It's really devastating to be young and not able to function normally.
Not to mention how this affects my depression. For the first time my doctor said that I have "treatment resistant depression", of course I knew this since I have been in treatment and on medication for years and years with few results. But something about hearing it aloud made me so so sad.
Depression and fibromyalgia have taken over my life. I am stopped, stunted. I try hard to do things and push myself, but there is only so much that can be done when I am not feeling good. I can't just wish it away or ignore it. It is here. It exists. It is real and staying.
I'm not giving up hope. Just admitting that things are hard. But I keep going. Ill-fated or not, I keep going.
xx, C
You can keep pushing through. You might not ever be that same person in that picture but you'll be a new you. A stronger you. :)
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ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what it's like to go from being active to not being able to move without pain. All i can say is I'm sorry and even thought we've never met, I'm here for you. Even if you can't run a mile with your legs, I think souls like yours can always find a way to go great distances within their minds. You're a beautiful person and it's going to take time, I'm sure, to cope with everything that has surfaced recently. I sincerely hope that you can go easy on yourself when it comes to aiming your disappointment. Keep being strong and searching for the good in life.
Thinking of you <3
<3
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