life collection

I'm hurting a lot, a lot, a lot today due to my fibromyalgia. It's really no fun. Ronald is home and made me tea and set out blankets for me to bundle in. Yesterday I made these applesauce-banana muffins and they were kind of bland, but since they set overnight they taste much better and I definitely will make them again.

The pups are snuggled and happy. I think my sick days are their favorites because they get to snuggle me all day. Of course if they knew I was sick they would be sad, but you know they just think in naps, and food, and cuddles, and toys. ;)

Tomorrow Ronald goes to Colorado to speak at a conference. I wish he didn't have to go but it's alright. I get super anxious when he leaves even to go to a normal day at work, so for him to be gone for a night is a big deal. He is the only person I feel genuinely safe with, so when he is gone I feel entirely alone even if I am around other people. I am so afraid of being abandoned that even when I know he is going to come back I still feel the sense of abandonment.

I have been keeping a list of things I can do while he is away. I am so glad I have the puppies to snuggle, and I have planned a lot of errands to run so I can be out of the house if I get blue. I also have anti-anxiety medication to take at bed time when I panic the most.

I hate having these issues and often feel weak and stupid for it. I need to try to be gentle with myself and realize that a lot of things have happened to cause those feelings and that I am not bad or stupid for experiencing them. That is easy to write out, but so hard to believe.

xx, C