life collection

"And they'll tear into you, they will, they will. They will, they will." -Straylight Run

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Yesterday was quite the day. I had therapy at noon but left the house early so I wouldn't self-harm. Therapy was full of figuring out medication changes and how to get me stable. I have about five medication changes at once, which is a record. My doctor is really careful to not go too fast with med changes but desperate times call for desperate measures. 

He reminded me how serious my risk for suicide is. With my diagnoses' it's pretty damn high. It sort of scared me. The thing is, it only sort of scared me and that is a problem. I also showed him where I self-harmed last week and he told me I should have gone in to get a stitch. When he asked me how I felt when I saw my wound, I told him I wish I went deeper and that I feel stupid for not being able to do it. That's when we went straight into medicine changes and talking about how to level me out.

After therapy I had to stay out until Ronald came home from work because I didn't feel like I would be safe being home alone. I spent hours walking around stores and trying to find a pharmacy that had one of my new medications in stock. I couldn't eat because I was so down. I forced myself to sit and eat half a bagel at a cafe' but it made me feel sick. Once Ronald was with me and we had dinner I was able to eat.

Fibromyalgia wise my body is paying for all the walking I did yesterday. I hurt so much! Plus my entire back and neck is cramped and feels on fire due to being tense from all the stress.

I am really good at pretending I'm ok. But I'm not. Not right now. I seriously have suicidal and morbid thoughts most of the day. It's hard to fight them back, it's hard to not feel guilty for thinking those things. I am seriously in an emergency mode. 

Ronald is going to be with me for several days, so I should be ok. I hope so. But I'm so damn tired. 

C