life collection

We are refinancing our house at the moment. Last week we had our home appraised and found out it has increased a great deal in value. For some reason this gave me an unsettled feeling. Ever since we found out the value I have felt anxious to move to a new place. Not just a little anxious, like incredibly anxious. Like I could cry anxious.

I am frustrated at how much work is left to be done in our house. Some rooms, like our bedroom and master bathroom, are entirely too small. I'm tired of bumping into corners of furniture, and bending awkwardly and painfully in order to take a shower. I'm tired of our toilets overflowing due to bad plumbing and having a bathtub that is almost too small to use and doesn't get hot water.

I'm tired of looking out at a backyard of dead weeds when I do the dishes. Of having a broken dishwasher and wondering how in the hell we will fit a king size mattress in our bedroom. I'm tired of the drab color and falling off stucco I see every time I go outside.

This all makes me want to move out. I feel trapped here. I've even noodled on the idea of selling most of our belongings and moving to a tiny rental property. I feel like there isn't enough light, I feel like too much is wrong. The thing is, there is no way we could move. We can't afford a bigger mortgage payment and moving in itself would not be easy.

I also feel like I can't handle any more renovations right now. I can't even imagine having a housekeeping service come twice a month to do some cleaning, even though it desperately needs to happen. I don't want anyone in my space. It feels threatening and scary, it feels uncomfortable and anxiety provoking. I can't imagine a gardener working in our yards. This increases my trapped feelings because all that needs to be done can't be done right now because I can't handle the intrusion in my space.

Ronald and I are going to get some new furniture. He is going to paint our living room a new happier color. We are going to set me up with a pretty white desk in front of a window. These things seem hopeful.

I'm trying so hard to keep a positive attitude about our place. There is so much beauty here. Peonies and plants. A kitchen I designed. Art and vintage things I love all around. Pretty beams fill the living room ceiling. And curtains I love in our bedroom.

We have two spare bedrooms that we use only for storage. I'm trying to think of what I would want those rooms to be used for. I am imagining pretty paint colors and functional spaces that I would actually like to be in.

I know I will eventually shake this feeling and return to contentment, I just need to ride it out. I don't want to sound unappreciative about what we have, I know we are extremely lucky and I know that deep down this place is good for us. While writing this I feel reinvigorated to make some changes that will help me feel more contented.

How do you feel about where you live? Is it just a place to be or does it feel like home? Do you ever feel anxious to move to a new place?

Love, C