life collection

"the tulips are too excitable, it is winter here." -Sylvia Plath

My appointment with the new doctor yesterday did not go well. She took me off one of the pain medications that really helped me due to her concern about side-effects. So I am on less medication than I was before. I am in even more pain now (obviously). I asked for another pain medication to replace the one she took me off of and she said I had no other options than narcotics and she wouldn't put me on those. I am so discouraged.

She gave me no treatment options. She said the main pain medication I take three times a day is not that great. I asked what else I can take and she simply responded "nothing". Her main push was that I go to a support group. She signed me up for it and as she was filling out the paperwork she told me they strongly recommend that the attendees take a relaxant medication before arriving for each session. She asked if I would take it and I said no. I have no idea why me or anyone attending a support group would need to be on a relaxant! It was so strange.

I think my next step is going to see a specialist outside of my insurance (Kaiser) as I have tried the specialists there with no help. My psychiatrist knows some doctors who specialize in treating fibromyalgia so I will see one of them. I have no idea how much it will cost out of pocket but we have some savings so I'm just going to do it. I hate feeling like every doctor I see has no idea what they are talking about, they all give me different information, and know very little about fibromyalgia.

Today I feel rotten. I woke extremely depressed and low. It's hard to stay positive when I am in so much pain, bedridden, and feel like I don't have a doctor to help me. I seriously feel like my body is shutting down physically, I know something is wrong but can't pinpoint it, and the doctors can't either.

I also think I have a urinary tract infection. I'm going to start antibiotics today for it. Maybe that will help if there is another infection going on we don't know about. I so hope I can get back on my feet soon. I'm so sad and down. It's horrible. I'm tired of sleeping, of laying around, of moaning in pain, but there is nothing else I can do. I feel like my body is totally broken and no one knows how to fix it. :(

I have therapy at noon today. I will drag myself to it because I think it will help clear my head a lot. I hope it does because I am completely spent.

Love, C