Internally things have been a mess for me these past weeks/months. Life seems to consist of a few options each day. I can stay home and go crazy and commit suicide. Or I can spend the day out shopping where I buy things we don't need and run my body ragged, then come home and face the option of cutting or taking anti-anxiety medication (so far both have been chosen).
I've never faced such intense racing thoughts or felt so out of control in my actions. I seriously am at a breaking point. My self-consciousness is at an all time high. I feel so worthless I don't even fight the thoughts that come to mind, in fact, not many thoughts come to mind to remind me of how worthless I am, it just seems a fact to me.
I ruminate on how bad of a person I am. I experience constant guilt. And not just any talk-myself-out-of-it or laugh it off guilt, but the kind of guilt that makes me want to run my car into a tree or wall while driving on the freeway.
I can think of a few reasons this is happening. First, the longer life goes wrong the more I want to find someone/something to blame (myself), and the more exhausted I become. Second, I'm just starting to face the reality that we won't be able to have children. My whole life that is all I wanted and to consider giving that idea up is one of the worst feelings ever. Third, I am angry. I am angry at so many things it's not even funny and I really struggle with expressing it. Fourth, I am extremely unhappy. I am in constant pain both physically and mentally, I don't feel close to anyone, I feel misunderstood, and like I am unimportant.
Even now, sitting in the backyard on our swing, I feel an immense need to leave the house. It's not just an idea or an option, it feels like a necessity. I feel like I am losing my mind. I feel jittery, overwhelmed, and impulsive. I feel like if I don't leave I will kill myself. So I am left with two options. Leave or die.
I so hope things will get better, so, so, so much. For now I'm holding on.
Keep holding on. You are a wonderful human being and YOU ARE IMPORTANT. <3
ReplyDeleteMy dear friend. I read all your posts and wish so much to just be able to talk to you and tell you that every day there is a reason for life. Dont look at everyone else and say hey they have a better life and mine sucks. Look at your life and embrace every wonderful thing in it. You are so blessed to have a great guy that understands your ups and downs, and you are so pretty, and you have a LOVELY home! I know how life can be overwhelming and you dont want to be home or out or anywhere, you want to whisk it all away. But you cant. You CAN hold on, ride it out, find happiness in the smallest things, and be glad you have another day with those who adore you. Might I suggest something? It really helps me. Before bed, throw on some headphones, and see if you can find the band port blue. Its ambient happy music. It makes me feel good inside. I hope it does the same for you.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes lovely,
Meg
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