Yesterday's post where I mentioned my childhood really shook me up. I was anxious all day and by the evening I was sad to all hell. At bedtime I had a cry while talking to Ronald about how much pain I still carry from my childhood. I feel like those memories stalk me and blend into every aspect of my life. I felt like a bad person much of my childhood and that really affected me. I still feel guilty for basically anything I do.
I was extremely lonely as a child. I had an occasional friend but she would always move away within about a year (military life is like that for families). Somehow I stayed put. Living in the same house for about ten years on an old cul-de-sac in my little bedroom. I was homeschooled. I was forgotten. I disappeared to my room. I helped my mom run an in-home daycare when I was twelve for about a year where I watched toddlers get the attention from my parents I had always wanted but never received. I'm still haunted by that and thinking of it can bring me to tears in an instant. I got depressed. I stayed in my room.
I don't know how I survived all that isolation. I don't know how I came out with an ability to function as an adult. I was born with a strong will and stubbornness which I know played a big part in my survival.
Right now I'm so sad. I hate it. I hate thinking on the past. I wish it would just go away. But that's not how it works. Instead I have to go through it.
Love, C
Thank you for sharing this, I can really relate. I was unschooled, we lived in a rural area (in other words no escape), and friendships never lasted long. While my parents were supportive, they didn't understand the need of friends or the ache of isolation, which later turned to a deep depression. I feel like I got ripped off, and fight this intense jealousy of other people's experiences and memories. I'm also very clingy. I feel like I shouldn't admit to any of this, just pretend I'm "normal" or it doesn't bother me so that I can't be rejected. Even though I expect to always be rejected anyways, I so crave having social connections that it really hurts when I am. I tell myself that's absolutely ridiculous, feel self-centered and nasty and crazy, think I should be tougher, tell myself other people have gone through so much worse... but I can't get the past to stop haunting me.
ReplyDeleteI hope you're having a better day now, though I don't know that this helps any!
Dear,
DeleteI'm so sorry you had similar experiences. It does help to know that I am not alone even though I wish you didn't have to experience it.
Please know you can contact me anytime, my email is catherine@life-collection.com love to hear from you!
love, C