life collection

It's really hard to sit here and write a post. I am trying to get back to my normal routine as much as I can even though I am at one of the worst points of my life. Seriously darlings, it's excruciating. Last week we upped one of my anti-depressants, and yesterday I was put on a stimulant medication that will hopefully propel me out of this darkness.

The stimulant makes me feel really nauseas, like I think I will lose my record of not throwing up for a few years kind of nauseas. But hey, if it helps me feel like I want to live just for a minute I will gladly puke.

In therapy we talked about how I need to mourn the fact that I had a bad childhood. When it hit me that I can't change the past, I totally lost it and sobbed and sobbed. Only for a minute because you know, I'm that gal who holds it all in until I'm suicidal.

Then we talked about how I need to be the tough girl I actually am. I hide myself so much. I hide behind meekness, shyness, and being overly kind. The thing is I am kind of a bitch. And I don't mean that in a derogatory way, or that I am not a good or kind person at heart. But for reals, I give people a pass so much of the time it makes me feel sick. I take on the blame and guilt of other peoples actions. I let other people control my life and make me feel stupid, incapable, and unworthy. I take being ignored, being second place, being an afterthought. I'm sick of doing that. So sick, that i'd rather kill myself than take it any longer.

The reason I haven't started being myself is that I have a huge fucking fear of abandonment. I feel like if I am left on my own I will die. So how do I guarantee not being abandoned? I just give into every single stinking person in my life. I'm so tired of doing this, it's killing me. And yet I can't bring myself to be honest and say what I want. I struggle with it so much that when I try to be myself even in a small way I stumble over my words and even lose my voice, I have panic attacks, and then when I end up saying it I sugar-coat it so much that it ends up falling flat.

If the people around me knew what I really want, who I am, all that shit, I think they will seriously freak out. Oi moi, just thinking about it makes me feel anxious as hell.

Anyway. I'm going to try because what's there to lose? I'm going to either be abandoned and supposedly die, or I'm going to kill myself. At least with the abandonment there is a chance I might end up living after all.

Good luck to me, and all those clever statements that really don't mean anything.

C

p.s. I did my hair today and took a shower before 5 p.m.! I tried putting my hair in a top-knot. I don't know about it and think I need longer hair, but it's something.