life collection

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"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." -Robert Frost

It's my birthday tomorrow. I'm turning thirty. Finally and not at all close. I feel much older, much, much. And yet I know I am young and foolish still.

Last night I had the strangest dreams. It was like moments in my life were looping in my mind. They were actual memories too, usually my dreams are full of abstracts and bogey-men. I still woke up scared, maybe out of habit. When I woke at four this morning, I felt an incredible sadness.

I still feel that sadness. It isn't just tearful, or depression, it's grief. I'm so full up with it that I can't think straight. 

I am thinking of what I can do to make the day better, but everything seems painful. I don't really know how to describe it. 

Birthdays have always been hard for me. I try to make the day special, to get excited, but usually I end up in bed sobbing. 

Life hasn't turned at all how I imagined as a little girl in the hiding place behind our backyard, or on the merry-go-round at the park. It's so different, I can't recognize it. I can't put my finger on my pulse any more. The completely disheartening thing is that each year tends to get worse. 

I feel like something got me at a very young age and mucked everything up. I don't just feel it, I know it. I'm trying to get out of the trenches and be free of it. But I keep being pulled down further. 

This morning it is sticky with the humid rain-is-coming promise. We are going to Monterey this weekend, and there will be rain there as well. I guess it's fitting. I do and don't mind, the beach in the rain sounds sort of like magic.

I don't feel like making cupcakes with pink frosting, giving myself a hair cut, dye, and manicure, picking outfits and shoes for the trip, or getting a CT scan (scared as fuck). But these things are going to happen. So here goes...

p.s. Last year I had a concussion on my birthday. This year I have a concussion too. Both caused by my apron front kitchen sink (and my total inability to notice it when I am getting something out of the  cupboard underneath it).