I'm sitting in our plant-filled dinging room, listening to my favorite morning music, and drinking my second cup of coffee with my hair in a messy knot atop my head. I'm feeling better from my sinus-infection/cold/whatever and am so relieved! I am also completely overwhelmed. I had basically checked out from my life for over a month. Yesterday after thrifting and rushing around in the 70+ Spring-promise weather, I felt really sad and really good all at the same time.
Once it was time for bed I became terrified. I realize I have to start my life again. Not only that, but I have to do new scary things in order to live the life I want.
I talked to Ronald about this in bed last night. Bedtime usually consists of me downloading all my thoughts to R in rambles. Intertwined with it, is a pep-talk to myself of how things will be okay. How I am doing a good job. And how I will be able to get through another day. In the end I always feel better and like maybe I will wake up smiling. I never do, not at first, but I can try...
One thing I have learned from having debilitating depression, and a chronic illness is that I have to restart my life a lot. I have gone months, and even years, not living much of a life but merely surviving and waiting for the flare-up, or bout of depression to end. Sometimes that is all I can do, just wait and stay put.
I don't think this is something many people deal with. I mean, I think everyone has to restart at some points in there life, but I have done this more times than I can count. And it is scary and hard! It's hard to convince myself to stand up and get going. Even though I know it will help, even though I know I need to, my body and guts want to stay still.
I get scared. Scared the sads will come back, scared I will overdo it and end the night in horrible pain. Scared something I do will spark a memory or suicidal thought. I can't live this way anymore though. I have to do things differently.
So instead of the couch, I'm at the dining room table. After this I am going to shower and go to a park with my camera and a book to enjoy the fresh air. Oh, and I'm finding a better system of organizing my ideas and to-do's, I have tons of emails in my inbox all the time with lists of things to do, and it is incredibly overwhelming and hard to keep track. I am a note-taker, list-crazy-gal, and it is super important to me to have my thoughts organized. I think that is going to free up my noggin and I'm really looking forward to it!
While brewing my coffee, I made a tea station for in the kitchen so R and I can have tea at night. I put out my favorite tea cups and a selection of teas, with a note that says 'there's always time for tea'. Yes, yes there is.
<3
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