It's back. The depression. I had a week or so of feel-alright. Even with being sick. I felt positive and hopeful and motivated. The ruminating and distressed voices in my head calmed down and I could actually think my own thoughts.
Then yesterday afternoon things started to crumble. I ended up having a panic attack in the shower. I held onto the shower door and sobbed and cried out that "It can't come back! It can't come back so soon!". But it did and it does.
When I get down like this I run a list in my head over and over of the dreams and hopes and plans I have to make things better. But yesterday I had a moment where I realized nothing is ever going to make me happy. Because this bad thing in me exists. This deep thread of desolation. This "dead wet thing I try to forget".
"We've got to live,
No matter how many skies
Have fallen."
-D.H. Lawrence
Thinking of you and sending you wishes of happy thoughts and light. After months of being on the upswing, my depression has returned these last few weeks as well. It's hard, but I suppose we just have to keep moving.
ReplyDeleteThanks Molly! I'm sorry depression has returned for you too. It's so hard...
DeleteSending love!
Hang in there, pumpkin. It sucks, this "dead wet thing", but there are ways to live with it. You'll figure it out. I'm happy to know your husband's got your back. At least one person rooting for you can make all the difference. (I'm trying to figure out my own ways to live with this darkness that creeps in uninvited and sucks you down. I'm NOT okay with it in my life… but I don't know as I'll ever be totally rid of it. Just trying to work around it, I guess… *sigh*)
ReplyDeleteThanks Cassandra! I know what you mean about trying to live with it, even if you aren't okay with it. It is such a weird way to have to think and live. Hope we can both figure it out.
Deletexx, C
Sending you lots of happy thoughts and good vibes. Depression, she be a nasty bitch. <3
ReplyDelete"Depression, she be a nasty bitch." TOTALLY stealing that phrase, if you don't mind.
Deleteuhm, yeah, stealing this too Caitlin. One of the best descriptions ever!
Deletexoxox