life collection

It's been a while and things are busy. I have been frustrated and angry and down off and on all week. I am dealing with a lot of internal and external crap and it's hard. I don't really talk about it with anyone other than my therapist. It's just stuff that is hard to understand, and I think I need to deal with it on my own. Many of the things I have talked about before and it only seems to make things worse.

I finally received a call from Stanford hospital for a psychiatric consultation. I have been on their waiting list for a few months and was actually surprised I was contacted so soon. I'm really looking forward to getting their recommendations and opinion. I will be going next month.

I feel a lot broken. I vary between totally hating myself (like I hate myself so much I want to kill myself), to a strong sense of confidence and knowing who I am. That's BPD for you...It's hard because the tiniest thing can send me down a spiral and I can go from fine to suicidal in just a few minutes. It's stressful as hell, but I am really working on keeping my confidence up and ignoring the thoughts of self-hate I deal with every day.

Yesterday morning I felt like shit. I ended up taking Amelia on my morning walk. We very rarely walk with her, and although she is pretty well-behaved, I had no idea how she would do. She did amazing! Didn't pull on the leash (which she is known for), and did fine passing strangers and other dogs. We walked fast and a mile and a half, we were both exhausted afterwards! She is my new workout buddy and I hope to be able to jog with her eventually. She made my day instantly brighter and I was filled to the brim with puppy-happiness.

We are also going to walk Cricket with Amelia on the weekends. Cricket is going through a terrified/grumpy stage. She basically only wants to lay away from us and bark. I miss her being herself, and I know it is stress and fear. I never knew how hard it would be to care for a dog who had been abused. And we got her at 7 months! We have had her almost two years and she is still adjusting. The most difficult part for me is seeing how frightened she is, and knowing that there isn't much more I can be doing other than being comforting and loving, and letting her go through it. I am really hoping exercise will help her get out some of her anxiety. I am also going to teach her some new tricks. 

Well, half this post is about dogs. But I adore them. They are seriously my life. I can't stand how cute they are and how incredibly happy they make me.

Okay. Off to start the day. Lot's to do...

How've you been? I miss you!

xx, C