life collection

Hello Love.

Things have been really hard the last few weeks. I'm incredibly sad and feel like a total failure. No matter how hard I try, the sense of failure won't go away.

I am realizing I am a caretaker. At my lowest points last week I forced myself to take care of something. I made ice pops for the dogs (water, sliced strawberries, and blueberries),  took care of my plants, and started working on the garden. All of these things, even though they were simple, helped me tremendously.

I am also realizing that to be a caretaker I have to take care of myself first. It's really hard, but when I am suicidal or considering self-harm (which has creeped back into my life), I force myself to care for myself instead. I can't tell you how hard this has been, as my level of self-hatred is at it's worst in those moments, but I am proving to myself every day how strong I am. And I am proud of that.

I am lonely most of the time. Ronald is busy during the week, and I have trouble getting out and seeing friends, or being in groups. I love being alone, but there is only so much alone I can take. I go out by myself a lot and whenever I see friends together I nearly burst into tears.

I am also incredibly frustrated about some of the things in my daily life. Most of it pertaining to our house. Whether it is our broken couch, or messy spare rooms, I so want an environment I feel comfortable in. Now that Ronald is done with school we have time to work on the house, which is really exciting.

My pain levels are more managed, and I'm trying to get in shape. I love exercising (never thought I would say that!), but the pain it causes me is not fun. It takes so much motivation to workout when I know I am going to be in pain for at least 24 hours. I also want to eat all the junk food in the world, but that's another story for another day. ;)

I sort of know what I need to be doing creatively, but I'm scared. I find that I get super encouraged and motivated after therapy twice a week, but then I flatline and go back to being discouraged. It is something my therapist and I are working on, but that swing of emotion twice a week is exhausting and crippling.

This morning the birds are chirping and a woodpecker is beating it's lucky rhythm. It's cool and bright, Spring in full motion. And I hurt inside, and my nose tickles from a cold, but it's ok...I tell myself, it's ok.