Well poop. things are really bad right now depression wise. I would usually skip posting for a few days, or post Pinterest favorites, but it's honesty time around here.
Since last week I noticed the depression creeping in. I started to notice I was thinking of suicide a lot. Then I started thinking about crashing my car on the freeway, and not just in a passing thought which I deal with often, but in a real planning sort of way. It's scary as fuck.
I had therapy today and I realized how bad I am feeling. I really don't want to be here anymore. My doctor raised some of my meds. He really helped me see the patterns I am stuck in and why I am feeling this way. I almost decided to go to the hospital, but then I asked Ron to meet me at the doctors office and help me get home safely.
I don't know if this makes sense, but we deal with this a lot. I am in intense therapy twice a week, am on lots of meds, have had second and third opinions (even from Stanford hospital), and I fight like hell every day. But I still deal with suicidal thoughts and ideations all to regularly.
The thing that scares me is I know it isn't me. I know the real me wants to live...badly. Otherwise I still wouldn't be here. I know that when I am in these suicidal moments one slip up could kill me. I also know that the more times I am suicidal the more routine it becomes. My doctor reminded me that even if I have 1,000 suicide scares, that 1,001 could be the one I act on. That every time I am suicidal I need to respond to it like it is the first time I've ever been suicidal and take it very seriously. It is a crisis.
So yeah. We're in crisis mode. I took a nap and have a bad headache. Now I'm going to sketch and try to do something that makes me feel sort of like a person.
I may not have ever met you but I'd just like to say that you are amazing! Living with this on a daily basis is something I can't even comprehend but you do it and you're lovely! If there is ever anything I can do please let me know. You're awesome!
ReplyDeleteThanks Sarah. Your comment meant so much to me, I even told Ronald about how it helped me through the day. So thank you!
Deletexoxox, C
I'm so sorry to hear this. Depression is such a shitty, cruel bitch. I'm thinking of you and hoping you continue to get better. <3
ReplyDeleteDepression is a cruel bitch. It's horrible. Thanks for the hope.
Deletexx, C
This insight into you and your mind is, well, interesting. I know that probably sounds horribly cruel and detached, but that's not the intention I assure you! See, I deal with depression myself (it runs in my family, plus I was abused like crazy, plus I've got the chronic illnesses, so I'm 3 in on the risk factors already. Poop.), but it's a different flavor than yours. Mine is more in the style of RBD, recurrent brief depression, which means that I'll be okay for a couple of weeks, maybe even a month or two, but then I slip into the deep, dark, slimy pit for an indefinite period of time. It's awful. Despite the depression, though, my thoughts don't tend toward suicidal ideation. My mom and youngest sister struggle with that particular complication, especially my sister. She's been hospitalized for it more times this past year than I can remember.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds awful, love. Seriously, like completely awful. The fact that you have still made it a point to reach out to me and love on me despite the demons in your attic is very telling of the person you really truly are. "The thing that scares me is I know it isn't me. I know the real me wants to live...badly. Otherwise I still wouldn't be here. I know that when I am in these suicidal moments one slip up could kill me." That is terrifying. One hundred percent terrifying. I'm so glad that you have therapy and Ronald to help keep you somewhat stabilized and safe. Please don't leave, dear heart. The world would be at such a loss for your beautiful spirit.
Thanks for the sweet note, you are a love. I'm sorry your mom and sister struggle with a similar depression, and that you have depression too. It's so hard. I wish there was a cure.
Deletelove, C