I can't believe I'm posting these pictures on my blog. I think they got lost on Instagram when I posted them in a fit of confidence, but you know, that's not the norms for me...
Anyway, with the shitty sleep I've been having, my sprained ankle, and my normal "ish" I've been feeling like a huge failure. So much of my energy is spent fighting illnesses' and I often lose site of how much that takes out of me, and how much time it consumes. I get so pissed at myself for not writing more, or creating more. It makes me so discouraged.
The last few weeks my confidence was rising. I was writing lots (most of its crap but still writing), I was wearing a dress every day and leaving the house with my head held high for a few minutes. Then I saw a picture of myself over the weekend and that confidence shattered. I got so depressed! I thought I looked completely different than I did in the picture. I seriously asked R if I had a hunchback, I also thought I was like twenty pounds lighter. My mind kind of went crazy and that growing self-esteem was busted.
It still is and I don't really know what to do about it. Mainly I want to wear my striped long john leggings and my baggy t-shirt and get a good nights sleep. I want to listen to happy music and cry. I want to workout until I pass out and stop eating altogether. I want to self-harm and throw things. I am full-up with self-hatred and it sucks.
Instead of destructing I am going to:
Wear a dress
Go to therapy
Rest my ankle
Eat broccoli and yummy but healthy foods
Write 500 words
Paint my nails (been dying to paint them green which should be fun)
Brush my hair
Email friends and respond to blog comments
Snuggle the pups and stop withdrawing from R
Skip the nap in hopes of it helping me sleep better tonight (this will be hard!!!)
Listen to happy and sad music and cry
Plan our anniversary weekend (eleven years...holy shit!)
Edit some of my poetry to resubmit for publishing (dread)
Enjoy the sun and my garden
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What do you do to boost your confidence?
xox, C
You go girl! Love seeing you happy :)
ReplyDeleteBut you're adorable!!! I know precisely what you mean, though, about having this image in your head of what you look like, and then being shattered when you see the "real" you. Honestly, though, a static photograph isn't an accurate representation of "you" at all! I've had to realize that as well.
ReplyDeleteI read this yesterday, and it helped to boost me up some because I totally feel like a failure as well. http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/20-signs-youre-succeeding-life-even-you-dont-feel-you-are.html
Good for you, choosing healthy things instead of destructive. That can be *so* incredibly hard in the grip of depression… I've had my fair share of self destructive cycles spurred on by a deep and utter loathing of myself. It's better, now that I'm on antidepressants, but it still gets me from time to time. However now that I'm in excruciating pain constantly, I don't have as much of an urge toward the self harming (in whatever form it comes), because my body is already doing it for me. I don't know if that's a healthy mindset or not, but it is what it is.
Take care, sweetheart. You are a brave and beautiful soul.
I love your list of plans. I should list plans. That's much better than getting caught up in the "meh, fuck it," which is something I do way too frequently.
ReplyDeleteYou're just wonderful. :) And adorable. I am so thankful for you. Always.