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Depression is creeping back into my arms. The empty suffocating ache in my center, flush as a diamond. And I'm so sad about it, and that just makes it worse.
I don't want to bathe. I don't want to do. I don't want to sleep but only disappear.
I'm pushing myself still. Showers and salad. Christmas shopping and brushing my hair. Dog pets and scrubbing a sink full of dishes. Peonies in cups and bits of candy cane.
The weekend is coming and that means time with him. High holy do I need time with him. And good strong time, and lush talk time, and rest in his arms, and feeling safe, even for a minute. The monster locked away.
So I hold on and wait for bed time and nap time and him to come home. I need the ocean and a good strong dress. I need energy and crafting and boots in the rain. So to keeping. That's all I can say...to keeping.
Love, C
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12/11/14
depress
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Stay strong lovely lady, as strong as you can. Have a fab weekend with Ronald and your dogs. Here if you ever want someone to talk to. xx
ReplyDeleteI so definitely understand. I'm thankful you have your lovely Ronald. This time of year has brought my dark mind back too :( Fight, breathe, smile lady xxx
ReplyDelete"And I'm so sad about it, and that just makes it worse." Doesn't it, though? It sucks that sadness and depression are so circular… whatever starts bringing you down gets you panicking because you don't wanna go back, and then you're sad about being sad, so you get SADDER… It's awful.
ReplyDelete"I'm pushing myself still. Showers and salad. Christmas shopping and brushing my hair. Dog pets and scrubbing a sink full of dishes. Peonies in cups and bits of candy cane."
Sounds really muted and fragmented to me; just the way I get when things are bad. Hang in there. Take your time, however long you need, to take steps toward happiness and clarity again.