 |
| Unicorn |
Self acceptance is a weird bitch. It's hard to conceptualize and even harder to practice. I hate that I need it, but I really do. I am learning I have everything that I need within myself to be happy and full. I don't like this. For so long I have believed that my insides were the reason my life was failing and it literally almost killed me.
I always looked for external sources of happiness. I thought that if I just got a new (fill in the blank), went back to school, had a baby, or a career, things would all come together and I would be full. But then I noticed that after a new thing came into my life I would be full of disappointment rather than happiness because nothing changed, I was still empty.
I thought external things would be my reasons for living because my insides were so messy. After much therapy and hard work, I now see that my happiness and fulfillment has to come from within. Yes, I have depression, but rather than letting it define who I am internally, I am recognizing it as a disease I suffer with. I am not depression, I am not a hopeless case. I have all I need within me to be ok.
When I last met with my therapist we discussed how I'm still not happy. And not just not happy, but sad. I don't find fulfillment in life, I don't know how people get through it without feeling empty. I told him I just want to feel so-so, I just want to not feel empty. He told me that I should raise the bar in how I want to feel. That my goal shouldn't be to not feel empty, but instead to feel full, content, and good.
I rarely think I can be content for long and I think happiness is sort of a joke for me. I've always dealt with severe sadness and depression. Thinking I can be content is pretty radical. And yet, I'm going to do it. It's time to take my life back. It's time to find fulfillment from within. I feel more in control of my life than ever before. I am ready to be full-up.
xo, C
This is a beautiful post and something I'm going to share with someone very close to me who, I think, it would really help. I love the way your therapist suggested you raise the bar. Essentially, they are the same thing but by slightly changing the way in which we word or think things, we can move mountains. I'm glad that you're feeling more you - you're exactly where you need to be right now.
ReplyDeletexo,
♥ Ems
I'm glad you will be able to share this post with a friend. That means a lot. I hope it helps, even in a small way.
Deletexo, C
(The internet hates me and ate my first try at this commenting thing. LET'S DO THIS AGAIN.)
ReplyDeleteI want to come to you with liquor. And/or coffee. And cupcakes. And curl up under a gigantic blanket and just BE. Because yes. I jive with this post. Hard.
Oh Kim I would love to spend in-person time with you! I know we would have a blast, and cupcakes...yum!
Delete