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| circus girl |
The personal training has been scary as fuck. I have social anxiety, terrible body image issues, and wearing stretchy clothes and working out in a room full of women doing aerobics, while some fifty something year old man coaches me to push harder is terrifying. It's awful and I wouldn't recommend it, but I would because I feel so fucking great afterwards. It's like a big "fuck you" to my anxiety. After each workout I text Ronald a big "I did it!" from the parking lot.
This has also raised some serious issues for me. I have realized I eat all wrong. I go on starving myself most of the day. I am proud of myself for skipping meals and I restrict a lot. It's so bad that at my last workout I almost puked and fainted due to low blood sugar. I had to stop my workout and drink a v8 while my trainer sat with me for 30 minutes making sure I was ok, I even had to text him that I got home ok, he asked if he could drive me home as he was so worried I would pass out. This was not a happy moment for me as I am no quitter. I don't stop mid-workout. I don't stop mid-anything that I really want. I fucking get it done. Tuesday I left thinking I failed.
Now when I eat I look at my food and think "Dan would hate that I'm eating this." (Dan is my trainer). I heard this yesterday while I ate one chicken wing and drank a beer. I hear this at every meal. I feel guilty beyond belief and there is a new layer of shitty judgment in my head. Then I realized something yesterday. My body is my own.
My body, what I eat, how strong I am, my weight, the way I feel in my favorite outfit, the way I feel in my body, whether or not I want to lose weight, whether or not I lose a pound, what I had for dinner---all of this is my own and really nobody's business! I hate talking about my body to anyone. I hate the "have you lost weight?" comments, or any comment on my body. It really is my business, no one else's.
So I've given myself a new challenge. To do what I want with my body. If I want to get strong (which I do), I'm going to get really fucking strong. I am going to lift the 12 pound weights over my head, ride my bike, and kick some serious ass. I'm going to be bolder in what I wear instead of hiding behind my clothes and being overly modest, or hiding. I'm going to eat what I want, to fuel my body. I'm not counting another calorie or justifying why I am allowed to eat something. I can eat whatever I want. I am responsible for my body. I am in charge and I'm sick of feeling guilty even when I eat broccoli.
I feel horrible about my body all the time. I feel disgusting, like people look at me in disgust. I feel ugly and not sexy and not good enough. It really is bullshit and I'm fucking tired of it. I'm tired of going to the doctor and even when I tell them I am working on my physical health they send me home with print outs on obesity. I'm tired of justifying and proving. So I have a new thought for my doctors "shut the fuck up!". I am no longer going to be weighed at the doctors office. I know how much I weigh. It's no ones business but mine.
This is all hugely empowering for me. And yet I still want to whisper to everyone "is this ok?", "is it ok for me to feel sexy when I'm overweight?", "is it ok for me to be confident?", "is it ok for me to eat this?". Please don't answer. I don't need your answer. I will answer these questions myself with a resounding "Yes!".
This is my body. What people think of how I look or how healthy I am or what I eat is their issue. Saying that makes me feel like a riot girl.
So yeah. I would be so happy if you took a moment and a deep breath and said to yourself "my body is my own, and I'm ok.", please do it, it feels fucking great.
xo, C
Hi Cathrine,
ReplyDeleteYes I agree with you that one has to do what he/she feels like doing to his/her own body. No one has the right to tell anyone to lose weight or gain weight, etc, as I believe we are more than this shell, the body, and second that change comes from within, form a inner conviction for change.
I also believe that if one eats seasonal and local food (preferably sourced from small producers/farmers, or better still grown by us), he/she will 1- be healthy, as seasonal and local food is more healthy, 2- not gain access weight. I believe we should be conscious about what we eat and how our food is made.
I'm sure your heart will guide you to what it is best for you. Do not pay any attention to what people say; this obsession about body image is nasty and media plays a great role on it.
All the best cara :)
Thanks Cara! Planting a vegetable garden this year which is going to be fun!
ReplyDeletexo, C