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So I just had a little "aha" moment. I realized I'm not a "blogger" and that I'm ok with that. Now that sounds kind of weird, because I have a blog and all, but let me explain...
I have always read posts full of tips on blogging and I used to read blogs like crazy. Now I maybe read four or less posts a day because they just made me feel pressure and inadequacy. I have less than 100 followers and I have blogged for years, I don't keep a schedule and only really blog when I feel like it. I have tried keeping schedules, but it just never worked. I thought it was because I'm not committed enough but now I'm realizing it may not be what I want. And that's ok.
I don't really know what I want to do, or how I want to fill my days. But I know I want it bad. I think my path is pretty uncharted so far and it is extremely frustrating. At the same time, there is a sense of freedom in it all. Other than working on my health (fighting depression, fibromyalgia, etc), I can basically do whatever the fuck I want. My days are my own and that's pretty awesome. I also feel a little lost.
I want to have a course plotted, to just goddamn know the direction I'm heading. But I guess all I know is I'm heading to better. And that's fantastic. After eleven years of struggling with intense hopelessness, to be able to have hope again and look forward to things is amazing.
My main focus is freedom, finding freedom within myself, and experiencing freedom everyday. This means the pressure I feel about measuring up to some blogging standard doesn't work for me. My blog can be whatever I want it to be. There is no course for it, it is uncharted (just like me), and instead of feeling lost in it, I am going to work on understanding the freedom it brings. When there are no rules there is room for creation, there is room for exploration. That is the way I want to live my life.
I love blogging, but I never want to feel like there is a rulebook on how to blog, because honestly, there isn't. I am going to take the pressure off my blogging life and see where it takes me and where it takes this space.
xo, C
"After eleven years of struggling with intense hopelessness, to be able to have hope again and look forward to things is amazing."
ReplyDeleteYes. That *is* amazing! I've realized the same thing about me and blogging, btw. Just… no. I've been blogging for like, 5 years-ish? And I have 18 followers. I'm actually impressed with myself that I have so many! lol For me, blogging is, well, for *me*. I don't write for others, not really. I write for me-- for posterity, for sanity, for figuring out how the hell I feel about things and what I *actually* think… for dumping feelings and thoughts that need to get OUT of my brain. For some reason, I always feel better after I blog, especially if I'm dealing with intense or confusing feelings. It's like I need to get it "out there", and once it is then I can feel more peace.
I feel the same way about my blogs, all three of them. Plus the other two I started and abandoned long ago! I don't have anyone who reads them- you read one, and only one real life girlfriend reads the other two. But I still plug along because I have thoughts in my head and I am compelled to write. I do like to go back and read old posts from the past. Sometimes it shocks me because I feel as though I haven't made any progress on anything in my life. But I know I have. I think sometimes I only blog when I'm "down" because when I'm having a great day, I'm out there doing things and I'm busy with projects. On the days when I'm in one of my funks and I'm just sitting around barely able to move, that's when I get on the computer. So I can't really judge my overall life by my blog. But I'll keep on posting away!
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