life collection

Hi Love,

I haven't posted about deep things in a while. I get shy and tired of it and want to keep quiet. But here I am, braving the morning and typing away, so let's get deep!

Ronald goes on a business trip for three nights tomorrow, and I'm going to be home alone. I usually go with him for many reasons. I have this huge fear of R abandoning me, mainly due to my past. My dad was in the military and would go on deployment for six months at a time every other year. One of the first deployments I remember as a toddler he left having a relationship with me and came back and ignored me for the rest of my life. It was a weird kind of abandonment because we still lived under the same roof, and it took me until adulthood to understand it was emotional abandonment. It took me years to realize it wasn't my fault. 

Even though I logically know and heart know R will never leave me, the little toddler inside me is fucking terrified. All this week I have had hives, intense pain, and anxiety just anticipating him leaving tomorrow. 

I always thought I was weak because of my anxiety. Because I struggle being on my own. But when I take it in context, when I think about my past, and how R is/was my main source of support during my ten plus years of depression, it totally makes sense that I would struggle being away from him. 

But now I am not depressed. It is amazing to type that sentence. I have fought so hard just to be able to say that! And now it is time for me to face my anxiety, my fear, and get some independence. So here we go, I'm on my own for the next three days...

I'm anticipating panic attacks, loneliness, depression, lots of crying, and bad nights of sleep but I'm not going to let that stop me from moving forward and facing my fear.

I am going to take myself on a few dates. I really want to stop by Anthropologie, go thrifting (hunting for vintage toys), and go to some used bookstores. I also want to snuggle pups, watch the NBA finals (go Warriors!), craft, and have some girl time with a friend and my mother-in-law. 

I am so ready to face these challenges and get on with my life, I'm also so scared but growing is scary, healing is scary. So bring it on...I'm ready.

xo, C