It's been almost a month since my last post. I've become pretty quiet this year, more cozy in my cocoon. It's not what I want so I am trying to open up more, hence this post.
I'm still terribly depressed. Most days my biggest accomplishment is bathing before bed and brushing my teeth. I don't leave the house or wear more than pjs. It's really shocking how quickly depression can stop my life. I feel in a constant fog and the days wash together. I'm so sad, feel incredibly guilty and inadequate, and am extremely anxious.
All I really do is watch tv. When the tv is off I get super anxious so I keep it on all the time. I can't focus much on what I'm watching though, my mind races and nothing quiets it down, not even sleep. This is so horrible and I can't believe my depression is back and this bad. I'm so discouraged.
Yesterday I was able to clean the kitchen, and journal, two huge steps. This morning I am going to throw on some sneakers and take a walk at the park where R and I got married almost thirteen years ago, and then stop at the market. If I can pull that off I feel like I can get some momentum. I'm really hoping I can get back on my feet soon. I miss being myself.
I know the phrase "hang in there" is pathetically gauche, but the sentiment behind it is true. I do understand. It's so hard having a few great days, feeling normal again, then crash back down into oblivion. I don't know why it happens, but I am starting to feel that that IS my normal. I think some people think that depression is a dark oppressive cloak we can just shrug off whenever we want. But they don't understand that depression is like being crushed by the weight of a gigantic boulder, and you can never hope to be strong enough to push it completely off of you. Some days you can wiggle around enough to have the space to breathe, to see the sunlight above you, but usually we just continue to struggle against it. But do not ever give up, because even the largest mountains over time, eventually fall prey to erosion and crumble away into nothing. It will get better!
ReplyDeleteI truly hope that you feel better soon...I know that depression is a struggle...daily. Please do not ever give up...
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