5/2/16

patterns



Ronald was out of town last week. It was a huge struggle having home gone. He is my best friend and I just love being around him. I also noticed something while he was gone, I was unapologetically myself. I was a badass bitch. My depression decreased and my confidence increased. Besides the loneliness and missing him, I felt great. This kind of freaked me out.

Then I realized that the reason I felt most like myself when I had a week alone was because it was easier to not fall into my old patterns that don't suite me anymore. I'm forging a new identity. I had this breakthrough just a few weeks ago, that I don't want my identity to be based on my illness. It has been for a long time, and I'm over it. I don't want the narrative of my life to be "I'm sick, but..." I want it to be "I am myself. I am whole." that is what I'm working towards. A fully congruent life, ruled and mastered by me. Full of experience, conquering fear, and helping others.

I'm really excited about what the future holds. I'm going back to school to get a Bachelor's Degree in European History (there is a lovely story behind this too, that I'll share at some point). I'm going to start volunteering as well. I'm also garden-girl crazy, planning my one day farmer's market florist stand (that I'm hoping I can turn into an entire business), and teaching myself to bake. All these things feel great. Moving forward feels great.

Identifying the patterns I was in that no longer worked was/is a hard process, but it really has helped me become more myself. What patterns are you in that no longer serve you? What can you do to be unapologetically yourself?

Until next time, xox, C
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2 comments:

  1. Optimistic ExistentialistMay 2, 2016 at 7:10 AM

    YES!!! Being unapologetically yourself is a great and cathartic thing :)

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  2. Stumbling Through LifeMay 3, 2016 at 7:00 AM

    I do understand. When J started traveling full time for work, I too had a freak out moment when I realized my stress levels and depression dropped off dramatically. It wasn't that J caused any stress. It was that I put extra stress on myself when he was around- to be the perfect wife and homemaker and cook. I am not perfect, I can't be, no one is. And J isn't looking for perfection, he's wanting happiness for me. When he is gone, it is easier for me to step back from that role and "see" the real me. It doesn't mean I don't want to be married to him, I love him passionately. It just means that I need to spend more time discovering who I really am deep down inside.

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