life collection

Sitting at the dining room table looking at all my houseplants set on my childhood dresser that was vintage when I got it second hand in the eighties. Outside sways my swing, three years old and falling apart. My favorite rest place in our house, one hundred dollars worth of happiness. It's breaking down, and sun damaged. On the mess of our deck are roses, peony, violets. Flower pots waiting to be filled with green treasure. Next to the deck, close and kissing, is our growing mimosa tree. Sprouted from nowhere, just for us. It's frothy pink blooms covered in bees, pollination at it's best. I try to settle and think of it all.

I'm struggling. As my therapist says I'm "in it". Depression is...lots of awful. I don't really leave the house during the week other than going to therapy. I am lucky if I shower. I sit watching a baking show over and over because it makes me feel calm and like I might be able to make something with my hands one day. I cry a lot and panic, even on meds, and wake up in the middle of my nightmare sleep so sad without knowing exactly why. Waking heartbroken and tearful in the night is even worse than waking from a nightmare sweating and racing. I get both, lucky me.

I'm past and present heartbroken. I think of past things. Saying goodbye to Lisbon and how I had no idea how that trip would ease my depression for almost a year. Crying all the way home, filling airports and airplanes with tears. Not knowing how lucky I was for a break or how the depression would come back in March. Only knowing I left a lot there. On those cobblestone streets from the 17th century. I found and lost myself and little bits of my heart are scattered across the world. No one knows but me.

I try to stay present. I meditate. Get to the market when I'm lucky. Today buying bunches of peonies like sweethearts. They say I'm making progress. Committed to getting better. Doing the best I can. Developing dreams for my life. I feel none of it. I feel failure and suffocation. Not all the time, there is some good, but goddamn I don't know if I'd do this again. 

Then I realize that isn't worth thinking about. I'm here and if they say I'm on my way, then I'm on my way.

xo, C